There Is No Such Thing As ‘No Braces.’


It’s times like this when I think it’d be better to be Chuck Norris.  I’m sure there’s a great joke along the lines of “Chuck Norris didn’t need braces.  He pinched his teeth to the right spot and scared them into staying there.”

Well, not everybody is as lucky as Chuck Norris.  I obtained my braces a year or two ago, and just recently (like, last week) got them off.  I probably shouldn’t be complaining since a lot of people have to wear them for even longer.  Anyway, what’s the first thing you think when you hear “I’m going to get my braces off!”?  To some people, it might be, “Oh!  They’ll look so nice to have them off!”  To others, they might think, “Freedom!”  And both of those things are true.

Until about a week later when you obtain:  The Retainer.

So I didn’t think it was that big of a deal at first.  I mean, c’mon, it’s just a little metal.  But when I had to put it on today, (for the first time) I found that to be false.  It’s not just a little metal.  It’s a hunk of plastic in your mouth.  Quite honestly, having braces was more comfortable than this thing.  It’s extremely difficult to talk, and quite the distraction.  Not only does it make it difficult to communicate, but nearly impossible to sing, and I love singing.  Well, I haven’t actually tried singing with it yet, but considering how hard it is to speak…  I’m supposed to ‘wear it 24/7′ for three months.  Afterwards, I only have to wear it at night. I just…  Don’t know if I can pull that off.

But to think: we have phones that can talk to us, rovers on mars, a search engine that can connect us to anything in the world…  And people are wearing metal on their teeth.  Can’t we come up with something else?  Like that invisalign stuff?

Anyway, Retainers mean well.  Everything is terrible about them except for their purpose.


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